I have seen some moments that may make you think wow how does she deal with that? Sometimes life throws curve balls as they say, that makes you unsure of how you may be able to swing and actually hit the ball rather then swing and strike out. I myself have stuck out many many times. However the difference is I get right back up to that plate and swing again, and eventually I hit the ball in the right direction significantly above evils head. Life is not meant to be easy. We need curvatures and hills that must be climbed. We need that everyday challenge, if we didn't have these things, everyday would be a drastically boring world to live in. Some may think I gave up on my dream to write and sing, but many do not know it has always been a dream to deliver babies. I did not give up on my dream to write and sing. I continue to do this everyday, I work on new things and write more then anyone could imagine! I may be rather good at it, and passionate about it but dealing with mean and rude record execs just did not fit in my dream. I would rather do things on my own terms preferably, then to have someone breath, criticize and ridicule not only my style but my presence. Since the day my first son was born I have dreamt about delivering babies. I followed one dream for awhile and had a blast and then took a turn to follow another. I am on a different path and I am loving every minute of it. I am learning things about myself that I never thought about before. Things that prove the overwhelming strength of  "just me" is much larger then anything possible in the world. We are all stronger, brighter, smarter, and full of light if we just see the world in the way it was meant to be seen. I have seriously seen the world in a whole new imaginary picture. It is nothing like what you think. Everything is truly not as it seems and you would be surprised to know the things I now know and cam see through my eyes how I see them.
Realizing the absolute best day can sometimes become your worst nightmare, is only just the tip of the ice burg. When you look to yourself for answers you will never find what your looking for. God meant for this world to be an adventure of learning and exploring, good and bad, its when you fall and don't get back up that will defeat the soul......

Where my Heart Is

Its crazy to think I have lived many lives within this life. That's what it feels to me. I am always changing and challenging myself to do something bigger or better. Sometimes its just the fact of trying something new just to defeat the board em. My husband also shares this Passion with me, which is probably why we still are very much in love and together. Being able to get out of "ruts" and try new things is certainly a relationship booster.

As I sit at work and listen to Country Music I am brought back to my Tennessee days and oh how I miss them. My heart is there and wants to be there. I loved the sound of the rain when it hit my windshield because it was never a light rain, it was always vast and intense. I loved to go downtown and see famous people. Knowing they are around at any given moment was facinating and spellbinding. Something about being in the city brings a rush of alluring excitement. I remember the drives on back roads or just down to walmart. The traffic and the waves of people at the malls. The overall southern friendliness was over exhalting and  memorizing. The friends I made, and I certainly met some fun and entertaining ones! HA. Some that taught me life lessons and don't even know it. But the fact of moving away from the only home you ever known to an unknown foreign land was just blissfully electrifying, and that life was just amazing good and bad.

We are about to track a new journey. I am getting that bug of excitement once again as we finally have settled down and got on track of our lives again. Sometimes being caught up in the moment can take a very long moment before you get squared away again! Life is full of surprises and I love them. If my life was not filled with these inspiring moments I would certainly be board and maybe not be as successful as I am in many things I do today. Always challenging myself is what I look forward to everyday God allows me to open my eyes again from sleep.

I miss singing and writing and doing all those things I did in Tennessee. But I know that God has much bigger plans for me and I must follow what he wants me to do. I created a break in the road that taught me how to rebuild it so I may drive across again. This is what life is all about. I look forward to building more roads that have breaks in them and learning what my life is all about in the mean time. I feel like I completely get life now, and understand what it is we are here for. We are here to learn and weave in and out of obstacles that are put in our way for learning. Becoming a strong human and indulging in this factor we call life.


We will move back someday, I feel it, and want it. Its where my heart is.......

What Are We Doing Here?

There is so much on my mind. What to write about and narrow it down?  
Greatness comes from your heart. I believe that there is a God and I believe in Jesus. Are we so different!  Many religions are so quick to tear others apart Or judge you for what you have or not believed in. Man I have done some amazing things in my life and there are many things that I failed at and came back to over ride my failed position just to rise to the top. We are not here on earth to understand where we came from but rather understand what it is we are here for! There are obstacles that are put into motion for us to figure out and get through. We need not try and figure out why or who put us here but figure out the when and where to go in this world.  Only God can answer these questions and he will if he wants you to know. Generally we come from heaven with a quest. A quest to learn things about ourselves and journeys to travel. Some things are hurtful joyful or painless. But whatever the reason only you can figure it out. God is here to help us follow the path he chose for us. We each have a spirit guide who is chosen before we make our way to earth.  They battle for is to stay on the path and obstacles chosen for us.  In the notion of angles they are Gods helpers   You want a prayer answered it is the angel who fights to get it answered.  Maybe he wanted to teach us about pain and the hurt that comes from losing a loved one so early in life. Maybe he wanted you to go down the dark road only to teach you how strong you really can be if you allow yourself to know it.

My Daunting Heart

It's so complicated to explain at this point the fracture my heart has taken on. There have been so many times I call my grandma to see how she is as I call her each and everyday, and I hear that sweet voice. She seems so perfectly fine on the other end. But looking at her, her heart weakened by the treacherous drugs used to contradict the multiplication of this disease, her lovely smiling face grown grim and beat red, her arms ghastly bruised by the many needles poked into her, and the frailty of her voice fading exceedingly, the look in her eyes of pure and utter strength as she hangs on a little tighter each and every moment. Yet here she sits with still a smile through that grim face. Her courage and strength only proves the innocence of the unknown, and her strength will forever live in my heart and the hearts of my children that will go on forever.

It seems so surreal the news I got yesterday. Trying to ignore the silent killer this whole time, as if it really wasn't going to happen to my family, to someone I know. It almost seems like it would be simpler to have one go quickly, rather then to know your days are numbered, but then in the same contradicted sentence to do the things you have always wanted to do and get done before you go would be nice I suppose. I don't know anything to keep my mind away from the unruly truth. But now it is undeniably certain that the sharpened knife that has been forcefully piercing my heart these past few months, is now slowly twisting and turning forcing an uncontrollable anguish and sorrow for this one once small tiny lady with an immensely vast heart for her family, friends and most of all her loving husband. Just when I think I can't handle anymore, something additional happens again.
  
My mom says "try to be strong, and don't let her know you can't let her go.  I know this is going to be so hard for you." I know I need to be strong, I cry in my own room on my own time, in front of no one. I have never broke down in front of her or my grandpa, trying to stay strong and positive. My dear sweet mom, trying so hard to mend my heart and it just can not be done at this time. She knows the special relationship I have with my grandparents and is so proud of that. She is living that legacy on with my kids, my sweet Weston SO loves his grandma and same with Madison. She is finally able to see the connection and what it means to be a grandmother, and Weston and Madison to know what its like to have a grandma like her.

I can barely see now as I continue to type these words. It has been so hard on me tearing me into pieces, that I can't call my best friend and complain about the horrible time I am going through with life itself, and topping it all off her life deteriorating right in front of me. So much to take on so much to deal with, only shows how much her strength runs through my veins. I usually can call her up and tell her all my problems and she always seemed to know just what I was going through, be it husband issues, rent issues, kid issues, or other family issues. She says the right things at the right moments and makes your heart tingle. I broke down and cried the last few days because I could not do that. I can not call her and tell her all my problems and leave that on her shoulders in order to relieve myself. This is about her now and her feelings, not about me and my tiny little problems that seem so small its unreal. My grandpa has become that ear on the phone lately and he too always has the encouraging words that make me smile. He says well first off  "anything worth while, will not come easy" and words of the wise man himself says " I know it don't seem like it now but you will look back on all of this and laugh, and better yet it make you a stronger person, I can't tell you a number of times we had to start over in life, jobs missed, jobs gone, but we did it one way or another. It don't seem like it now, but this is a small piece of the puzzle."

I can not see this sweet sweet dear mans face as he learned the news yesterday. I can only imagine his heart being destroyed and shattered into tiny fragments. Living each and every day with the one person that completes your entire mind, soul and body, the one person who has stood by your side for over 57 years, the one person you wake up to and come home to everyday. The person who you loved so very much that you just couldn't bare to tell her her "lumpy gravy burst with powder in your mouth" and when you ate her beans she had actually cooked them and turned out great, you really did like them, only to find out while taking the trash out that night that there lie 2 big garbage sacks full of burnt beans. This women has been your soul mate since the moment you laid eyes on her, the falling in love part was the easiest thing you could of ever done, all the rest was comparing oranges to banana's, nothing was ever the same and something was always changing. But look where you are now, as you hold her hand and stand by her side I can never imagine the unceasing hurt, the dwelling pain, and your life flashing before your eyes can feel. How do you say goodbye to your partner you have had by you all your life? I am feeling so selfish when you grandpa are going through the most pain of all.

I pray and hope that the lord will allow me to be holding your hand as grandpa holds the other while you look up and smile at the rest of the world, and family and say goodbye.

I know you will be with us somewhere somehow you will leave me your sign showing me that you are still here, and with me every step, stumble, and hill I may climb. I love you Grandma.

How do I ever let you know that you Grandma and Grandpa are my hero.......

A Voiceless Body

The complications of the world just continues to become un-baring. The relentless battle of your own voiceless body stumbles and trembles as you face your empty fears.

You get a job and you succeed, then it comes crashing down with one little deed. No one knows why the job ended or why you cant get the work, it just happens. So you then try and try to look for new work, only the work you look for is not there. No other job out there is going to pay you what your worth at this point now. People get these degrees in business and corporate world, and get even higher paying jobs until the big man at top starts to loose the money, once that happens it puts a mark on your head. Why not keep struggling day after day, pay check after pay check, rather then go to school to get that education? The unit secretary or the picker on the farm is the one who will keep their job over the managers with the MBAt. I feel anyone without a degree that has worked up in the company just as hard as the newly college graduate who holds a title MBA has done enough "homework" themselves to deserve the manager job. It has been my experience and my opinion that no one should want to work that hard to become a manager anyways because your job is NEVER safe. The little old secretary who has been there for years is the one who will retire with the company. They will go through 40 managers before she even retires. It use to be that a college education was never really needed, now they only want to hire if you have a degree, which will enhance your firing faster then anyone on the line. Do you see what the world is teaching us? The endless chatter and will-call for an education is worthless when the world is run as a boundless contradiction.



So your sites are set high, and sometimes too high thinking that you are better then the little pay they are offering. At this point in the game it is time to just suck it up and take what you can get. Do you think I like to see my husband have to apply at the stayton canary for a job in the factory after a successful business for over 6 years, and then moving here to Oregon for it all to fall apart? Do you think I love the fact to stop my dream of music?  Absolutely not, but what else is left? I have no idea how I'm gonna come up with rent, electric, or water. They want to kick me out in 72 hours even though I called and explained to them what as going on with my unemployment, and that I can pay it next week, its not good enough. I am not the only person in the world going through this, I know this, but really? I have started Nursing school, the only thing in this world that makes sense right now. Its something that will always be needed and something that will always have a place in the world. I plan to continue on to my Masters, to deliver baby's - which is one of my other dreams. So technically I am not giving up on music, its just on hold. Grandpa always says anything worth while won't come easily. And the heartache, pain and suffering along with the struggles of day to day choices are proof it won't come easy.

I look into the smiling face of my 1 year old and he has no fears, no worries, just love and laughter. He has no fear of wondering if he will eat tomorrow, or a bed to sleep in. He sees the world in a different light. Its amazing to see the strength a child has to give you when you least expect or know it. Sometimes God has a way of shinning a light when the darkness wants to creep in and overtake it. I know that times will be rough and I will go insane for a few moments at a time, but when I see his smiling face I know God has some sort of plan, I can only pray and hope he does. The corner of my heart that is slowly turning to stone, continues to fight the kisses and hugs of my 11 year old that puts the softness back into it. My kids are my life and I just want them to know the struggles are real. But these are the times to stick together and build our strength to battle the rest of this un-forsaken, cruel and unforgiving world

School and family life is stressful and with that said it will all be worth it in the end.....

My Grandma IS the Army

You are the most remarkable women I will ever meet in my life. You stand your ground even when your legs are shaky. You paint on a smile knowing its secretly forced. Continuing to give like a never ending fountain of giveness. Your heart lays quiet and full of love and comfort. Your soul remains untainted and clear as un-shattered glass. Your outlook on life is so much bigger then you really are, and in the same contradiction you yourself are bigger then life really is.
The sound of your sweet voice when you answer your telephone. Giving the person on the other end a sweet soothing smiling "hello". The possibility of being the only person on this earth who has peered into my soul. Forgiving anything I have ever done and loving me just that much for no judgment to ever be passed against me.
Who goes through life with out passing a single judgment on a single soul? Only you, the greatest of Christians could not do so. You are more rare then anything on this planet earth, or universe.
The burdens you have raptured, and the demons you have battled with in the silence of your quiet, undamaged and complete pure soul.
Never perceiving the word hate into your vocabulary, as I begin to grasp the meaning behind your strength, and your courage that holds you in sync. Never viewing the past as a weakling branch. Embracing the powerless and uncertainty of the forth coming future. With time dwindling quickly and the memories flooding profusely, God wanted you to have this one last dance.
With arms wide open and tears held back, I need to shriek out, that I, Grandma am your biggest fan of your most unspoken gift. This is the precious gift that you have bestowed onto me, and will forever be engraved deep into my soul.

You are my Grandma and without a doubt the best there is. You have truly been the best friend I have ever had in my entire life. The scared and unwariness of the innocent secrets shared between you and I, and the unselfish stolen moments will greatly be treasured for the rest of my living life. The beautiful smile of an unruly women, is just what a granddaughter could only hope for.
The feeling of thoughts running desperately through my conviction of such things as: "did I love her enough, did I hug her enough, did I do all the things she wanted me to do in life". The thought of disappointment that I may have caused shatters my heart with an intensely burning pain. I only hope and pray that you will be proud of my choices I have made, and the barrels I have jumped over for success in this factor we call life.

"So smart, beautiful, witty and kind. The kind of legacy meant to leave behind" (Tanya RaeLee)

The life I live today has greatly been influenced by this wonderful human being that roams the earth today. For tomorrow to understand the significance of stored away fears.

"With the many different roads I have wandered down and many steep hills I had to climb, yet here you are still remaining at my side." (Tanya RaeLee)

"You are a hero to me, the kind of Grandma I one day hop to be" (Tanya RaeLee)

I love you Grandma with all my heart and soul......

PS- The sayings with Tanya RaeLee behind will soon be in a song I will write for you.....

The Weakend Soul

Life is short but the darkness of shattered strength lies awake in the corner waiting for your hunger to grasp it. Sometimes life seems too long and sometimes the Sunshine's too bright for one to open the eyes to see. The love you once thought you had may feel gone or depleted from your memories you once thought you had. But its there. Every now and again you reach into the silence of your unspoken core, taunt the fear of the unknown verses the known, and persist to feel the hidden state of mind you once knew as love. The years go past and the time stand stills. You hear the silent cries from deep within and ignore them over and over again. For what you thought was real was covered with blindness disguised as life. The world beats you down only to peel the brokenness up off the dirt to observe the distance between the one you love. The excruciating pain of building what was once established now lay in pieces below. Riding the roller coaster is the tears of your laughter when the pain is the only thing left that exists. Yearning for the once unguarded heart of the unconvicted. Haunting retention of everyday bears the oppressive weakness of the frame and the belief that it will once again return with strenuous exertion from deep in the soul, leaves the essence fragile and open to despair. The innocence is now affected and unknown, never to be known again in the state that it was once in. The sorrow of the everlasting suffering and misery remains in hopes of the pain diminishing significantly each arising morning, only to find the conclusion to be yet once again unchanged. Praying each night I lie my head down to take this torchred heart and make it whole again, and fighting the demons scratching my skin to get in. The barrier of the strength weakens without the prayers, and the frailty of my heart hangs on a thread as the day progresses. Standing my ground and keeping the flaws covered and concealed are now released for all to see.