It's so complicated to explain at this point the fracture my heart has taken on. There have been so many times I call my grandma to see how she is as I call her each and everyday, and I hear that sweet voice. She seems so perfectly fine on the other end. But looking at her, her heart weakened by the treacherous drugs used to contradict the multiplication of this disease, her lovely smiling face grown grim and beat red, her arms ghastly bruised by the many needles poked into her, and the frailty of her voice fading exceedingly, the look in her eyes of pure and utter strength as she hangs on a little tighter each and every moment. Yet here she sits with still a smile through that grim face. Her courage and strength only proves the innocence of the unknown, and her strength will forever live in my heart and the hearts of my children that will go on forever.
It seems so surreal the news I got yesterday. Trying to ignore the silent killer this whole time, as if it really wasn't going to happen to my family, to someone I know. It almost seems like it would be simpler to have one go quickly, rather then to know your days are numbered, but then in the same contradicted sentence to do the things you have always wanted to do and get done before you go would be nice I suppose. I don't know anything to keep my mind away from the unruly truth. But now it is undeniably certain that the sharpened knife that has been forcefully piercing my heart these past few months, is now slowly twisting and turning forcing an uncontrollable anguish and sorrow for this one once small tiny lady with an immensely vast heart for her family, friends and most of all her loving husband. Just when I think I can't handle anymore, something additional happens again.
My mom says "try to be strong, and don't let her know you can't let her go. I know this is going to be so hard for you." I know I need to be strong, I cry in my own room on my own time, in front of no one. I have never broke down in front of her or my grandpa, trying to stay strong and positive. My dear sweet mom, trying so hard to mend my heart and it just can not be done at this time. She knows the special relationship I have with my grandparents and is so proud of that. She is living that legacy on with my kids, my sweet Weston SO loves his grandma and same with Madison. She is finally able to see the connection and what it means to be a grandmother, and Weston and Madison to know what its like to have a grandma like her.
I can barely see now as I continue to type these words. It has been so hard on me tearing me into pieces, that I can't call my best friend and complain about the horrible time I am going through with life itself, and topping it all off her life deteriorating right in front of me. So much to take on so much to deal with, only shows how much her strength runs through my veins. I usually can call her up and tell her all my problems and she always seemed to know just what I was going through, be it husband issues, rent issues, kid issues, or other family issues. She says the right things at the right moments and makes your heart tingle. I broke down and cried the last few days because I could not do that. I can not call her and tell her all my problems and leave that on her shoulders in order to relieve myself. This is about her now and her feelings, not about me and my tiny little problems that seem so small its unreal. My grandpa has become that ear on the phone lately and he too always has the encouraging words that make me smile. He says well first off "anything worth while, will not come easy" and words of the wise man himself says " I know it don't seem like it now but you will look back on all of this and laugh, and better yet it make you a stronger person, I can't tell you a number of times we had to start over in life, jobs missed, jobs gone, but we did it one way or another. It don't seem like it now, but this is a small piece of the puzzle."
I can not see this sweet sweet dear mans face as he learned the news yesterday. I can only imagine his heart being destroyed and shattered into tiny fragments. Living each and every day with the one person that completes your entire mind, soul and body, the one person who has stood by your side for over 57 years, the one person you wake up to and come home to everyday. The person who you loved so very much that you just couldn't bare to tell her her "lumpy gravy burst with powder in your mouth" and when you ate her beans she had actually cooked them and turned out great, you really did like them, only to find out while taking the trash out that night that there lie 2 big garbage sacks full of burnt beans. This women has been your soul mate since the moment you laid eyes on her, the falling in love part was the easiest thing you could of ever done, all the rest was comparing oranges to banana's, nothing was ever the same and something was always changing. But look where you are now, as you hold her hand and stand by her side I can never imagine the unceasing hurt, the dwelling pain, and your life flashing before your eyes can feel. How do you say goodbye to your partner you have had by you all your life? I am feeling so selfish when you grandpa are going through the most pain of all.
I pray and hope that the lord will allow me to be holding your hand as grandpa holds the other while you look up and smile at the rest of the world, and family and say goodbye.
I know you will be with us somewhere somehow you will leave me your sign showing me that you are still here, and with me every step, stumble, and hill I may climb. I love you Grandma.
How do I ever let you know that you Grandma and Grandpa are my hero.......
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